Spanking Sends Kids The Wrong Messages

Carrie, a mother of six, was on the telephone to me. Her oldest child, Teresa, became pregnant at age 16 and left home. Her next child, Joe, was in jail. Her 14-year-old son had just been released from probation camp. She said, "I spank them, and spank them, and they still will not mind! I can't control them!"

Carrie practiced the same parenting skills she learned from her mother: discipline by spanking. While spanking might have worked to control the children when they were little, she now is left with no means to effectively guide her teenagers' behavior. Spanking also taught her children that physical force is not only acceptable, but necessary, in order to control another's behavior, and that whoever is the most powerful gets his or her own way.

Most parenting experts agree that spanking is an ineffective discipline at best, and a harmful one at worst. And yet, statistics from national surveys show that an overwhelming majority of parents spank. Spanking that arises from anger and frustration might help the parent feel better for the moment, but few parents do it because they've made a conscious decision to spank.

A parent who tries to practice conscious parenting rather than an arbitrary imposition of rules will try a method of discipline that will teach the child to exercise appropriate behavior, as opposed to punishing the child's misbehavior.

Alternatives to spanking are based on the lesson that inappropriate behavior has a predictable, understandable, and negative consequence. Ideally, the consequence should be as natural and logical as possible. In other words, it should logically be the result of the child's mistake. Allowing the child to struggle through the consequences of his or her action brings the added bonus of improved self-esteem and independence that comes from learning to solve one's own problems. For example, if a child loses a bicycle borrowed from a friend, the child will have to do chores to earn the money to pay to replace it.

The trick for parents to avoid spanking is to have an action plan before emotion clouds their judgment. Here are some options:

Distraction is one of the most effective tools for toddlers, and humor is a great distraction. Try turning a power struggle into a game. Or simply remove the child from the scene - as many times as is necessary.
Temporarily remove yourself from the scene. This allows both of you to calm down. Control your anger by changing trigger thoughts of anger ("He's doing this to annoy me.") to coping thoughts of calm ("This is natural for his age �C it's just impulsiveness.")
Calm a toddler's tantrum with a therapeutic hold. Gently wrap your child's arms and legs with your own, and eventually his or her screams will turn to whimpers.
Put your child in a time out chair: one minute for each year of age.
Show positive attention. Praise lavishly when they are playing nicely. Your encouragement will do more to reinforce positive behavior than any punishment.
Let children earn privileges by defining a chore or activity the child must do before the reward is granted. For example, "You may play outside after you do the dishes. Then be consistent.
Use logical consequences to teach children responsibility.

REMEMBER: THE ROOT OF THE WORD "DISCIPLINE" IS "TO TEACH"